embracing 2018

Long time, no bloggy!

Happy New Year friends!  I can’t believe it’s 2018 already!  Where did 2017 even go?!  I feel like I JUST got used to writing ’17 in for the date.  But I’ve got a lot of ideas and plans for 2018, and I’m really excited about it.  Why is it that a new year always feels like a new chance to do things differently/improve yourself?  In reality, we have these chances every day, but sometimes it takes a smack in the face of a whole new year for us to want to actually make the changes.  I feel like I started making some towards the end of last year, in order to gear up for 2018.  But I’ll get to that in a bit.

I’ve had an unintentional/intentional hiatus from blogging for a little bit.  You see, it started out just being crazy busy… I’d originally thought the fall was going to be my time to start growing my blog a bit; at least that was my plan.  Turns out, other plans were in store (see this post if you don’t know what I’m talking about) and I had to really stretch myself to even get a post in.  I told myself when I started this blog that I’d never make this something I had to do.  Only something for enjoyment that I want to do and have the time to do.  Then came the holiday season (See below for some Christmas and NYE photos :))… our holidays consisted of a lot of travel, my bonus mom’s 60th birthday, traveling to the Dominican Republic (our daughter’s first flight and trip to another country), then back to prep for the holidays and do some more traveling.  It’s been exhausting, to say the least!  We are so fortunate to be able to do all of these things, to get to travel and be with family, and are so grateful…just tired. 🙂

So the thought of adding a blog post to all of that sounded like work.  It sounded like one. more. thing. to add to my list.  So I let myself off the hook and reminded myself that I didn’t have to do it.  And it was tough!  I carried guilt over it.  I decided to explore that notion.

One of my biggest personal challenges is being a perfectionist. :-/  And this isn’t one of those interview answers of turning something that is actually a positive about yourself and spinning it so it sounds like a bit of a negative.  And this also isn’t saying I’m perfect – far from it!   This is a legit problem that I’ll explain below.  I have a touch of the OCD, too… so it’s all around challenging.  You see, OCD is not as cute and fun as it sounds.  It’s like “oh what a problem, you like things really clean/neat.”  Nope, that’s not it.  (Ok, truth be told, we do like things really neat and clean and can definitely be OCD about it, but in an annoying can’t sit down or do anything else unless the dishes are done kind of way).  Between my husband and myself, it can be a bit of a hot mess.  He’s got the C and I’ve got the O.  So, he compulsively has to do things and I obsess until things are done.  Here’s an example – just last week, I was making dinner and he’d just gotten out of the shower but asked how he could help.  I asked him to just keep an eye on Isla because I didn’t want her around the stove.  Next thing I know, I catch this guy (only wearing a towel) taking down a broken blind and putting up a new one, with our daughter roaming around my feet next to the stove.

One slip of the towel, and our neighbors would have been in for a surprise!  Like, whyyyy?  Why did he have to do that at that very moment?  Cuz he actually couldn’t help himself.  It was compulsive and second nature.  Even he, after the fact, was like “why did I have to do that just then?!”

My OCD is far less cute and anecdotal, it’s more like waking up at 4:22 in the morning (on the reg) and obsessing about all the things I want to get accomplished the next day/week/year/lifetime.  It’s like I can’t turn my brain off.

I will literally talk to myself (in my head) and be like “go back to sleep.  sleep.  sleep. go to sleep.  go the $^&* to sleep!!”  Sometimes it works, others it doesn’t… Either way, it’s annoying and obnoxious.   And it’s constant.  It’s not just in the middle of the night, it’s running that same way all day long.  It’s like I have a running list in my head that never ends and never quite gets finished, and if I’m not getting it done, I’m failing.  So I Obsess over getting everything done, when my running list is literally unattainable and unrealistic.  I set myself up constantly to feel like I have to do every little thing every single day.  There are no real breaks or times to relax.   Because while I’m relaxing, I’m thinking of how I’m not doing XYZ that I could be getting done.   It’s so annoying and tiring.

Why did I have to make two double batches of different kinds of cookies the night before leaving to visit family for the holidays?  Cookies that I don’t even eat because I don’t like sweets unless I’m pregnant… Why do I shower and get full on hair and make up every day when I’m a stay at home mom? 

Especially since the only person interacting with my for the majority of the day doesn’t care a thing about my appearance and loves saying the word “poop,” and my husband (says he, though I’m not sure if I’m buying it) prefers me in sweats… I can say it’s for me, but I’m not even sure if that’s true!  Why do I get up and make fancy omelettes for my husband and daughter during the week when I don’t even eat them and they like scrambled eggs just as well?  These things all sound great in nature, but it’s exhausting and really, no way to live.  It’s running myself ragged for no discernible reason.  It’s doing things I don’t have to do, convincing myself that I do.  So, that being said, I’m working on it.  And I’m creating my new year resolutions around it.

My two resolutions this year are

1. to LET GO.

2. be more PURPOSEFUL.

It’s small changes, like deciding that we are going to stay in our pajamas ALL DAY LONG for Christmas, instead of getting all done up in dressy clothes…and ordering chinese food on Christmas Eve and cuddling on the couch, instead of making a fancy dinner.  It’s reading a book this week from cover to cover in yoga pants, instead of worrying about when this blog gets posted.  These things sound like no big deal, I’m sure, but they’re a small shift in helping me let go a little bit.

I’m trying to be more patient and understanding of myself.  I’m trying to consciously make decisions that force me into slowing down.  Taking breaks.  Doing things I want to do understanding that I don’t have to do a lot of what I am currently doing.  It’s ok to be still.  It’s ok to take a break.  It’s ok to not get everything done.  It’s ok to LET GO.

I’m also trying to be PURPOSEFUL with my time.  It almost sounds counterintuitive to what I just said, like I’m trying to plan out every minute, but that’s not what I mean.  There are plenty of times that I could be doing things I want to get done – like this blog, for instance.  I have some time at night that I’m not cooking and Isla’s asleep and I could get a lot done… but I choose to spend quality time with my husband instead.  I invest in that relationship during that time, because it’s at the top of my priorities.  I’m trying to figure out what’s most important to me, and invest in that.  Sometimes, that may mean me being absent from this blog or from social media, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t important or so fun for me… it just means that being present and purposeful in my life is taking priority.  This blog feeds me in so many ways; it gives me a creative outlet, it lets me talk about food and fashion and all sorts of little things that are interesting to me, it allows me to connect with others.  I am so grateful for it!  So bear with me while I get back into the swing of things a bit, as I see what’s in store for 2018!

Thank you for reading and for being a part of this journey with me!

 

 

xo, tess

1 Comment

  1. Aunt lisa
    January 5, 2018 / 10:54 PM

    Love you❤️❤️❤️

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